Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Men are climbing to the moon but they don't seem interested in the beating human heart



On February 5th, 1961, Marilyn Monroe was admitted to the Payne Whitney Psychiatric Clinic following a divorce and mental exhaustion. After staying only 4 days in a padded cell, thanks to an intervention by her first husband Joe DiMaggio, she was released and brought home to be looked after by her psychiatrist. One month later, on March 1st, she paid a visit to the New York Hospital, and decided to write a 6 page letter to her other psychiatrist, speaking of her ordeal at Payne Whitney (the same psychiatrist who found her dead one year later). The transcript of her 6 page letter is as follows  . . .


March 1, 1961

Just now when I looked out the hospital window where the snow had covered everything suddenly everything is kind of muted a green. The grass, shabby evergreen bushes -- though the trees give me a little hope -- the desolate bare branches promising maybe there will be spring and maybe they promise hope.

Did you see "The Misfits" yet? In one sequence you can perhaps see how bare and strange a tree can be for me. I don't know if it comes across that way for sure on the screen -- I don't like some of the selections in the takes they used. As I started to write this letter about four quiet tears had fallen. I don't know quite why.

Last night I was awake all night again. Sometimes I wonder what the night time is for. It almost doesn't exist for me -- it all seems like one long, long horrible day. Anyway, I thought I'd try to be constructive about it and started to read the letters of Sigmund Freud. When I first opened the book I saw the picture of Freud inside opposite the title page and I burst into tears -- he looked very depressed (which must have been taken near the end of his life) that he died a disappointed man -- but Dr Kris said he had much physical pain which I had known from the Jones book -- but I know this too to be so but still I trust my instincts because I see a sad disappointment in his gentle face. The book reveals (though I am not sure anyone's love-letters should be published) that he wasn't a stiff! I mean his gentle, sad humor and even a striving was eternal in him. I haven't gotten very far yet because at the same time I'm reading Sean O'Casey's first autobiography --(did I ever tell you how once he wrote a poem to me?) This book disturbs me very much in a way one should be disturbed for these things --after all.

There was no empathy at Payne-Whitney -- it had a very bad effect -- they asked me after putting me in a "cell" (I mean cement blocks and all) for very disturbed depressed patients (except I felt I was in some kind of prison for a crime I hadn't committed. The inhumanity there I found archaic. They asked me why I wasn't happy there (everything was under lock and key; things like electric lights, dresser drawers, bathrooms, closets, bars concealed on the windows -- the doors have windows so patients can be visible all the time, also, the violence and markings still remain on the walls from former patients). I answered: "Well, I'd have to be nuts if I like it here" then there screaming women in their cells -- I mean they screamed out when life was unbearable I guess -- at times like this I felt an available psychiatrist should have talked to them. Perhaps to alleviate even temporarily their misery and pain. I think they (the doctors) might learn something even -- but all are only interested in something from the books they studied -- I was surprised because they already know that. Maybe from some live suffering human being they could discover more -- I had the feeling they looked more for discipline and that they let their patients go after the patients have "given up". They asked me to mingle with the patients, to go out to O.T. (Occupational Therapy). I said: "And do what?" They said: "You could sew or play checkers, even cards and maybe knit". I tried to explain the day I did that they would have a nut on their hands. These things were furthest from my mind. They asked me why I felt I was "different" (from the other patients I guess) so I decided if they were really that stupid I must give them a very simple answer so I said: "I just am".

The first day I did "mingle" with a patient. She asked me why I looked so sad and suggested I could call a friend and perhaps not be so lonely. I told her that they had told me that there wasn't a phone on that floor. Speaking of floors, they are all locked -- no one could go in and no one could go out. She looked shocked and shaken and said "I'll take you to the phone" -- while I waited in line for my turn for the use of the phone I observed a guard (since he had on a grey knit uniform) as I approached the phone he straight-armed the phone and said very sternly: "You can't use the phone". By the way, they pride themselves in having a home-like atmosphere there. I asked them (the doctors) how they figured that. They answered: "Well, on the sixth floor we have wall-to-wall carpeting and modern furniture" to which I replied: "Well, that any good interior decorator could provide -- providing there are the funds for it" but since they are dealing with human beings why couldn't they perceive even an interior of a human being".

The girl that told me about the phone seemed such a pathetic and vague creature. She told me after the straight-arming "I didn't know they would do that". Then she said "I'm here because of my mental condition -- I have cut my throat several times and slashed my wrists" --she said either three or four times.

I just thought of a jingle:

"Mingle - but not if you were just born single"

Oh, well, men are climbing to the moon but they don't seem interested in the beating human heart. Still one can change but wont -- by the way, that was the original theme of THE MISFTIS -- no one even caught that part of it. Partly because, I guess, the changes in the script and some of the distortions in the direction and .....

LATER WRITTEN

I know I will never be happy but I know I can be gay! Remember I told you Kazan said I was the gayest girl he ever knew and believe me he has known many. But he loved me for one year and once rocked me to sleep one night when I was in great anguish. He also suggested that I go into analysis and later wanted me to work with his teacher, Lee Strasberg.

Was it Milton who wrote "The happy ones were never born". I know at least two psychiatrists who are looking for a more positive approach.

THIS MORNING, MARCH 2

I didn't sleep again last night. I forgot to tell you something yesterday. When they put me into the first room on the sixth floor I was not told it was a Psychiatric floor. Dr. Kris said she was coming the next day. The nurse came in (after the doctor, a psychiatrist) had given me a physical examination including examining the breast for lumps. I took exception to this but not violently only explaining that the medical doctor who had put me there, a stupid man named Dr. Lipkin had already done a complete physical less than thirty days before. But when the nurse came in I noticed there was no way of buzzing or reaching for a light to call the nurse. I asked why this was and some other things and she said this is a psychiatric floor. After she went out I got dressed and then was when the girl in the hall told me about the phone. I was waiting at the elevator door which looks like all other doors with a door-knob except it doesn't have any numbers (you see they left them out). After the girl spoke with me and told me about what she had done to herself I went back into my room knowing they had lied to me about the telephone and I sat on the bed trying to figure if I was given this situation in an acting improvisation what would I do. So I figured, it's a squeaky wheel that gets the grease. I admit it was a loud squeak but I got the idea from a movie I made once called "Don't Bother to Knock". I picked up a light-weight chair and slammed it, and it was hard to do because I had never broken anything in my life -- against the glass intentionally. It took a lot of banging to get even a small piece of glass - so I went over with the glass concealed in my hand and sat quietly on the bed waiting for them to come in. They did, and I said to them "If you are going to treat me like a nut I'll act like a nut". I admit the next thing is corny but I really did it in the movie except it was with a razor blade. I indicated if they didn't let me out I would harm myself -- the furthest thing from my mind at that moment since you know Dr. Greenson I'm an actress and would never intentionally mark or mar myself. I'm just that vain. Remember when I tried to do away with myself I did it very carefully with ten seconal and ten tuonal and swallowed them with relief (that's how I felt at the time.) I didn't cooperate with them in any way because I couldn't believe in what they were doing. They asked me to go quietly but I refused to move staying on the bed so they picked me up by all fours, two hefty men and two hefty women and carried me up to the seventh floor in the elevator. I must say at least they had the decency to carry me face down. You know at least it wasn't face up. I just wept quietly all the way there and then was put in the cell I told you about and that ox of a woman one of those hefty ones, said: "Take a bath". I told her I had just taken one on the sixth floor. She said very sternly: "As soon as you change floors you have to take another bath". The man who runs that place, a high-school principal type, although Dr. Kris refers to him as an "administrator" he was actually permitted to talk to me, questioning me somewhat like an analyst. He told me I was a very, very sick girl and had been a very, very sick girl for many years. He looks down on his patients because I'll tell you why in a moment. He asked me how I could possibly work when I was depressed. He wondered if that interfered with my work. He was being very firm and definite in the way he said it. He actually stated it more than he questioned me so I replied: "Didn't he think that perhaps Greta Garbo and Charlie Chaplin perhaps and perhaps Ingrid Bergman they had been depressed when they worked sometimes but I said it's like saying a ball player like DiMaggio if he could hit ball when he was depressed. Pretty silly.

By the way, I have some good news, sort of, since I guess I helped, he claims I did. Joe said I saved his life by sending him to a psycho-therapist; Dr. Kris says he is a very brilliant man, the doctor. Joe said he pulled himself up by his own bootstraps after the divorce but he told me also that if he had been me he would have divorced him too. Christmas night he sent a forest-full of poinsettias. I asked who they were from since it was such a surprise, (my friend Pat Newcomb was there)-- they had just arrived then. She said: "I don't know the card just says "best, Joe". Then I replied: "Well, there's just one Joe". Because it was Christmas night I called him up and asked him why he had sent me the flowers. He said first of all because I thought you would call me to thank me and then he said, besides who in the hell else do you have in the world. He said I know I was married to you and was never bothered or saw any in-law. Anyway, he asked me to have a drink some time with him. I said I knew he didn't drink -- he said he now occasionally takes a drink -- to which I replied then it would have to be a very, very dark place. He asked me what I was doing Christmas night. I said nothing, I'm here with a friend. Then he asked me to come over and I was glad he was coming though I must say I was bleary and depressed but somehow still glad he was coming over.

I think I had better stop because you have other things to do but thanks for listening for a while.

Marilyn M.

PS: Someone when I mentioned his name you used to frown with your moustache and look up at the ceiling. Guess who? He has been (secretly) a very tender friend. I know you won't believe this but you must trust me with my instincts. It was sort of a fling on the wing. I had never done that before but now I have - but he is very unselfish in bed.

From Yves I have heard nothing - but I don't mind since I have such a strong, tender, wonderful memory.

I am almost weeping.....


It might sound cliche or rather absurd, but after I had read this (a couple of times), I could hear her voice in my head reading this out loud and all I could think of was how similar we [were]. I heard that strain and sadness lingering on her tongue and I can't even imagine how painful that memory was for her to even go back to. I won't get into too much detail, but all I can say was that the pain, embarrassment and loneliness that she felt was very well versed in this letter and anyone who knows about her life (whether it's from reading manuscripts or transcripts like this one), knows that she was indeed in need of a lot of help, but she managed to keep on going despite her internal (and often external) anxieties and it is women like her who I idolize. She saw things within herself that she hated and despised, but the world thought highly of her and didn't give up on her even when she did. Without the help of anyone but her adopted family and suitors, she rose to the top as a model/actress/singer... coming from nothing, and becoming something. Someone. Dealing with issues stemming from her past and present, and battling out those demons inside her all while having a smile on her face. Something I can still relate to sometimes. After reading this, all I want to do is weep...


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

She's Got Stars In Her Eyes

Two months later, here I am. Sitting in the same seat, pounding head, hot, sweaty, mentally exhausted, and all I can think about is just how lucky I am to have this life. People go on days, weeks, months, years without doing everything in their power to just live. I am so proud to say that despite the physical abnormalities that come with having a stressful job, I love every piece, portion and part of my life.

Within a matter of 9 days, I accomplished 3 things that have rendered me... well... begging for more!

May 11: Autism Awareness Fashion Show 
This was my third NYC Fashion Show and I couldn't have been more thankful for being a part of yet another great cause. I have always been a philanthropist; a HUGE supporter of causes that serve to focus on the welfare of people, animals and the earths entirety. I was able to work with some very professional and determined individuals and make some new friends in the process (which is ALWAYS good!). My heart goes out to every person who supported us models, designers and artists that night. To my boyfriend, my biggest supporter, who came to my first show and loved it! And an even bigger thank you to those who support Autism Awareness.



May 17: My red carpet movie premiere in Time Square's AMC Theater for "Brooklyn Gangster: The Story of Jose Lucas"
What a trip! Speaking of feeling grateful... If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I would ever consider acting, I would have laughed. Me? Acting? Shy little old me? No way, no how! Boy how times change... I was introduced to acting by my wonderful boyfriend (who is an actor) and have been hooked since. When I found out that I had landed my first speaking role in a film last year after my audition, I was speechless. Okay, that's cool, I thought... but when they told me that it was going to be shown in Times Square's AMC Theater...I was floored. Luckily, I was very prepared (thanks to my biggest support team who came out with me on the night of my premiere). This was one of the most amazing nights of my life - a night I will never forget. I had my boyfriend, my 2 closest friends, my mom and family friend. I couldn't have asked for a better support system. I had such an amazing experience watching myself on the big screen. It was so enthralling, I am just aching for more! Who knows... it might happen again ;)




May 20: 2012 NYC AIDS Walk
I had been planning this walk en lieu of my uncle who had passed away from AIDS, for so long. I had signed up for this walk last year (under the same team name: Laughter in the Rain), but it had been raining cats and dogs... lucky for me, this year it was sunny and just about 80 deg.  This day was everything I had ever wanted it to be. My amazing boyfriend joined me in walking a sweltering 6.2 miles in the heat throughout NYC as we fought together for the cure for AIDS. I made us t-shirts that said, "I Walk For My Uncle" with a red ribbon on the front and I made him one that said (and this was his idea) "I Walk For Her Uncle" with a huge red arrow pointing to his right (I made sure to stay on his right, holding his hand, the entire time). It was such an exhilarating feeling knowing that A) I was doing something, yet again, for the good of mankind, B) I was finally getting the chance to represent someone in my family who was strong, intelligent and unforgettable and C) I had someone with me, supporting me and my love for causes, whom I love with all of my heart. 3.5 hours and over $4 million dollars later, we completed the walk! 



It was truly the best week of my life <3

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Letting Go

It went in and out like a needle to a rip in a blouse. Slowly going in, quickly coming out. Burning. A stinging feeling of satisfaction creeping up and intertwining with the particles. A glutton, here no more. And he thought she was beautiful. Beautiful enough to save from the dangers of the world. But he was too late. Her desire for freedom surpassed the height of the mast she wished to throw herself upon. And it was then the world was square. Corners touching the endless skies and centerfolds of darkened eyes. Trust me on this one. Skinny never tasted this good.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

This one's for you.

It's such a wild, desirable feeling that creeps and crawls through the crevices of want. It's the unattainable feeling of wanting less, but more. So much more. It's quality vs. quantity, and my thirst for the physicality's win. Every. Time. It has nothing to do with the outside world. No. But much less. The faces of awe-induced satisfaction are what bring me to this place of longevity. For I long to accept the facts behind the deceits. This one's for you.

And my longing.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Friday, March 2, 2012

That was then. This is now.

I'm 20 pushing 90. I've lost my hero.
I've been chasing the same clouds, throughout the same skies.
It's not always easy and I keep calling out for some kind of answer.
I'm passing the same lines over and over.
It's something I can't take. My world is falling down.
I miss my hero.

-written by me: 2006





I'm 25 pushing 18. I've found my hero.
I'm chasing the same clouds throughout the same skies.
It's still not always easy and I keep calling out for some kind of answer.
I'm passing the same lines over and over. 
It's something I can take. My world has been lifted up.
I love my hero.

-written by me: 2012


Monday, February 27, 2012

No Matter What They Say...


And there is no one in the world who can make you believe that but yourself, 
for true beauty lies in becoming yourself and accepting yourself for who you are <3

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Story of my life.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Let's go to the movies... Let's go see the stars!

Some months ago I was honored with the privilege of starring in my first film directed by award winning director, Kenya Cagle. The film, "Brooklyn Gangster: The story of Jose Lucas" is to have it's first red carpet premiere on May 17th at 7:30 pm in NY's finest AMC Empire Movie Theater. And because of such an amazing opportunity, I am VERY proud to say that...

I have my first IMDB credit online! **Check it out here:  Nastassja Ocasio : IMDB credit

Excited much? Heck yes! Another dream is coming true... slowly but surely and it feels great. I have worked very hard to get where I need/want to be and I guess it's true when they say hard work really does pay off. If you are interested in going to the movie premiere, tickets are originally $50 BUT if you buy your ticket by March 20th, 2012 at the site: Tickets to see Brooklyn Gangster: The story of Jose Lucas AND you use the code "caglevision", you will get your ticket for only $30! So you must act fast.  I am very much appreciated for everyone who has motivated me and supported me throughout my dreams (like my family including my amazing actor/boyfriend who I love with a love that is more than love). Thanks for your support and be sure to check out my page!

My mom reckons I'm going to be a star. And stars don't fall from the sky.

It has been a while and I really need to get back into writing in my blog, but I just wanted to share something that I am deeply, deeply proud of myself for. First things first... my dream finally came true on 11-11-11. I became a runway model! I was chosen to walk the runway for some famous Indian and Pakistani designers at the Runway Princess event in NYC. I had the honor of meeting some very talented and loving people who cherish what they do and who love every single part of their lives because they treasure the gift that has been granted to them: Talent. My experience at the Runway Princess pageant was phenomenal. I had wanted to talk the runway since I could remember. Always being so tall and thin, I had this thought in my mind that I could be like those girls in the magazines. That I could stand proud and tall and feel beautiful inside and out... and I did. I felt so comfortable on the runway and that was when I knew that my place is in modeling. Here are some of the outfits I wore:









My dream came true for the 2nd time when I walked the runway for fashion week not too long ago. On February 11, 2012 I walked the runway for the Hearts in Fashion Expo in NY and again, it really was a great experience. While I still await for photos, I reflect upon my past experiences and say to myself, "I really have come far" even if I have only done 2 shows. That's a lot more than other people can say.

Shine on!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Few Nights in London

I'm back and I have been wanting to be back since my last post, but life got in the way.

The latest is in... I am very, very excited to say that along with everything else I have been doing, I was hired to be a writer for a woman's romance website (which in itself just sounds enticing) and my first story has been published online! What's so great about this new launch is that anyone (and I mean ANYONE) will enjoy this. As you probably know, a woman should take a few minutes out of their day to recollect themselves. Some do so by napping, eating, watching TV or a movie, laying down in a quiet room or what-have-you... but here's the thing. Come a little closer... are you ready for this? You can still do all of that AND head on over to the site and ready a steamy (or not too steamy) story! Okay, so maybe you can't nap and read at the same time, BUT you can nap right on after and take what you read and dream about it. It's great, isn't it?

So a little bit about the site...

It's a romantic short-story website aimed for women who care to read about the many romances of the world written by many talented women who share the same sort of dream. Every woman should have that want and desire to sit back, read and fantasize (am I right?). Well, have no fear... you have come to the right place. My first published story, "A Few Nights in London" is about a girl who had a true Summer romance with a European athlete, but once he left back home not only did he leave her behind with memories of their hot and steamy summer, but he left behind this scent of adventure and mystery that she has yearned for since their departure. What will she do without him? Want to find out? Read it here: A Few Nights in London

Give it a chance. If you like the story, I would appreciate it to the tippity top of my heart that you hit the "like" button at the end of the story. See, the more likes I get, the more stories I will get to write and since my lifelong dream is to be a writer, this will not only motivate me to write more, but it will show me that I CAN do this for a living and influence people in some way or form.

Thanks for taking the time to read and hey, pass it along! <3

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

In The End

Scoliosis. 
I had it. I fought it. I won.
Here is my story....
I had always been a tall, skinny, boney girl. My shoulder blades would always stick out and kids in school would always point at my back and say things about how boney I was. I didn't listen. I was diagnosed with Scoliosis at a very young age. As the years passed, I had 2 spinal curvatures with degrees of 45 and 60. I didn't know what that meant at the time. All I know was that my doctor told me that the only answer for me was surgery. I even went for a second opinion and he had said the same thing. Four months after I turned 12, I checked into my 7 hour surgery and was in the hospital for a week after that. The first time I was able to stand up and walk around was about 4 days after surgery. With my mother and nurse there to help me, my mother had looked up at me in astonishment... why? I was about 1-2 inches taller within those days due to the straightening of my spine. It was the most pain I had/have ever experienced in my life. I was home for almost 3 months after before returning to school in the 7th grade.

About 2 years later upon entering my freshman yr in HS, I joined the basketball team for one season and realized that although I was fast, I wasn't good enough to play the sport. Soon after, I joined the track team and became one of the top runners/ high jump champions in the county, as a freshman... beating the best girl in the county. I also hurdled, sprinted, ran distance, long jumped and did almost every event in track and field, all 3 seasons, for 4 years. And thanks to my surgery, I still continue to run and compete in races and have won over 100 medals. Having Scoliosis and the surgery was indeed, a blessing in disguise. It has made me a stronger person inside and out and my endurance for pain (of all sorts) has increased, because if I can go through that, I know I can go through anything!
I wrote something on the exact date of my 13 year anniversary (October 26) and I wanted to post it here, but I was a little caught up, so here, 13 days later, I share with you my feelings of triumph.
Today I celebrate 13 years of living a life I never knew I'd have; a life that would have been completely different if my mom didn't make the life or death decision for me to have major scoliosis surgery. Thanks to this life changing experience, I have grown into a stronger, braver, bolder, livelier, and much more grateful woman. And thanks to my amazing boyfriend, he has shown me and made me believe that even something that is ugly and hideous to me, is beautiful and symbolic to him. I am so glad to be alive ♥ Keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about. ♥
 *Go on the right side of the screen and you will see a Scoliosis Awareness group cause that you should join! Why? Because as a survivor, there are many people who suffer every day from it and the least I (and you) can do is acknowledge their existence and struggles and help them fight for a better life.

Guten Tag! Bonjour! Hola! Buon giorno!

Almost one month ago today, on October 10th, I received one of the most exciting e-mails to date! My book, "Down the Rabbit Hole" is now sold all over European Amazon sites! With sites including Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Spain, and Amazon Italy in addition to everyone on Amazon UK, my work will continue to be available in these markets from now on, with no end date!

A sense of accomplishment and gratitude overcame me and all I could think of was this... I'm making it.At this tender age, I have definitely come along way. I started this book when I was 21 and took a break from it for a short while allowing myself to believe that this was never going to be something... or anything. I understood (after realizing that with an attitude like that, I really was going to go nowhere) that no matter what anyone says, thinks or feels, my book was and IS going to somehow make a difference in someones life. Even if it was mine. And it certainly has been. My own writing has changed my own views on life and the many areas of turmoil touched upon the matter in such a way I never knew expected. That alone, I think, makes me a great writer and I am darn proud to admit it!

If you (or someone you know) loves books, reading, poetry, etc. (and they speak another language other than English), go here: Amazon Europe, type in my book "Down the Rabbit Hole" by Nastassja Ocasio and buy it! I am so very excited to announce that this book (along with the sequel that I am currently working on) is now worldwide! Celebrate with me and bask in my joy. Enjoy and many thanks!



Saturday, November 5, 2011

Made Up to Make-Up

It has indeed been a while since I have posted on my blog, but at the same time I have been SUPER busy! Between my acting and modeling gigs and work, I can honestly say that I am happy to have a lot on my plate. I have also started to do something I should have done many, many moons ago. 

I have been absolutely obsessed and in LOVE with the art that is make-up since I could remember. Growing up, I would sit and watch my mother get ready every single morning following the same routine of waking up, taking a shower and putting on her make-up. She was never a huge make-up person... she would do the regular foundation, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. But to me, that was enough. She was and still is the most beautiful woman I know. She has and continues to inspire me everyday to be a bigger and better person and I am here today to share with you, some of the recent photos I have taken that I'm adding to my make-up portfolio. Although these aren't professional photos (and they're all done on myself except for one), I still take pride in my craft and live for this and want nothing more than to share it with the world.
























I love the confidence that make-up gives me! I've always wanted to be an MUA, and now is my time to start. I absolutely LOVE make-up! Because of my love for art, make-up has always been something that has allowed me to use my creativity and create something that I personally call beautiful.

I am always looking for girls of all skin colors and types to do a little freelance make-up on for my portfolio, so if you're interested, shoot me a message!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Writer's Write Right

As September rolls around, I can't help but think of only one thing: Work. At this point in my life, I would have expected myself to have accomplished about half of what I have already accomplished in my 25 years of living. No, I don't have low hopes for myself, but I will say that I am thoroughly impressed with my endeavors in more ways than one. As a writer, those of you who are like myself, will completely understand me when I say that it is NOT an easy task.. that is, writing. Writing is something that comes out of you when it's ready... when it's willing. February 19, 2010 was was such an amazing day for me. It was the day I self-published my poetry book, "Down the Rabbit Hole." Having a book published was something I had ALWAYS dreamed of. I started writing poetry at the tender age of 6. How, may you ask? Well, my parents were kind enough to buy me my very own typewriter (because they knew my fascination with books had surfaced as I had surrounded myself with them since I could pick one up with two hands). They knew that writing was going to be MY thing. And it surely was.

A year and a half after my publication, I sit here in the dark and contemplate the meaning of what it is to be a writer. I couldn't even answer that question wholeheartedly because it has become so second nature to me, that if I could describe in my own thoughts what it is to be a writer, I'd say, "It's like eating. Without it, you will die." I would, that's for sure. Writing had always been my getaway; my sanctuary. Without it, I am Nothing. A paper and pen is something I carry with me in my purse EVERYWHERE I go. Just in case a random thought pops into my head, I'll have somewhere to write it down. Note to self: *Always keep a handy pad and pen next to your bedside... the best thoughts seem to occur in the midst of the night.

They say writers are crazy, lonely people. Crazy? Sure. Lonely? Sometimes. But it has absolutely NOTHING to do with who is in your life and how many people surround you with love or happiness. No, you can have about 23 friends and still feel lonely. It's... unfortunate sometimes how lonely writers are. But I have, in no sense of the word, ever felt lonely enough to discourage my love or thrill for writing. In my lifetime, I will have published more books than I anticipate and I will do it all with much anticipation that it will not be my last piece, but the last of the first batch. I will write until the day I die.

All in all, I would like to share with you my new authors spotlight page (link below) that features my book along with other links on the side, in case you are one of those people who read books using your Kindle or iPad. I will say that there is nothing like being able to hold a book in your hand and with every single page that turns, grasping with your nostril, the finer smells of inked paper. If you love poetry as much as I do, than this is the book for you! Thank you for your support and best of wishes in whatever you choose to do!

Nastassja's Authors Spotlight

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Woman Should Have



Although I did not write this myself, I felt the need to share this beautiful poem written by Pamela Redmond Satran. I read this a few years ago and it didn't really strike me the way it does now. Is it because I've grown and changed, and because I can relate to probably every single point on this list now? Because back then, I never thought about getting old and retelling my "juicy" past or  how important it was to know when to walk away. I didn't think I would ever need to know how to break up with a lover or even know what it would be like to live alone since I never had and thought I never would. At this prime yet mature age, I have realized that as a woman, (Yes, I have acknowledged that I am indeed a woman) everything on here is essential to know, to understand, to appreciate and to live by. Now, before you read on... at the very end... I have added MY OWN part to the poem (it's in red). I hope you enjoy it and appreciate it, just as I have and always will <3

By Pamela Redmond Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she’s content to leave behind….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that it is okay to wear make-up...
and own at least one piece of expensive jewelry...
and go shopping if you're feeling down...
but true happiness, comes from within...
and if you don't know how to find it,
look in the mirror and know
that the person looking back at you, is alive.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

An Everlasting Plea from a Lemon Tree



I watched him sleep a peaceful sleep and in my heart I heard him breathe a breath so strong yet silently like whispering winds atop the trees of eloquence and bravery a man so brave he is to me and how I love to watch him reap as dogs descend the battered sheep and him to me as I to him a girl not like debauchery and yet I crawl and whimper deep when he is not induced by sleep as I am too in nights that creep and take over my loves degree for it is him I want to be and everything I am to me he is to him and what we've had I do agree is something I can guarantee is priceless and immortal glee and for every kiss upon my lips by him I sink into the sea and smile as I count to three for every second that passes me I fall into a deeper love that sends my chest into a heave of something that is not to grieve but to grasp into my inner eve and give him all there is of me from head to toe and in between and when we're one I do perceive of how the colors from his sleeve collide with the knocking of my knees for in his arms I am set free and blessed upon his loves decree and while the world is in debris we float the Mediterranean sea for a life we always tried to flee and no worlds tallest cup of tea can calm our drives or make us plea 'cause in my eyes he is my world and with scraped knees I'll climb the tallest lemon tree and stand atop the branches and scream I LOVE THEE and once again I LOVE THEE for it is me I know so well and I watched him sleep a peaceful sleep and in my heart I heard him breathe a breath so strong yet silently I fell into another dream...

One year ago, today, I fell in love with someone I never knew would actually become my boyfriend, my partner in crime, my confidante, my better half, my lover... my best friend. Baby, you've made me the happiest I have ever been and I couldn't have asked for a better hand to fit in mine. I love you more today than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow. Happy Anniversary! ♥
  This poem was written especially to the love of my life <3

Friday, July 8, 2011

With Love

Hello Darling.

I've got a little something to say to you. But you've got to listen. You've got to appreciate what I'm about to say. Why? Because this will somehow... someway... change YOUR life.

Or so I hope.

You need to stop being unhappy with yourself. You are perfect. No one's perfect, you say? Well, you need to see that you are. You need to stop comparing yourself to other people and wishing that other people will like you more if you looked a certain way. And all that wishing that other people liked you as much as others... that needs to stop too.

You need to stop wanting that attention from those that hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face, your hair. Stop hating your personality, your quirks, your laugh. Without all of those things, you would not be who you are. Why would you want to be someone else? Be confident in yourself, love. Smile. It will make people fall in love with you. It will draw them in. Your smile is equivalent to the sun seeping through the clouds. Everyone wants to see it. To feel it. To be a part of it.

If anyone ever hates on you because you are happy with yourself; with the way you look and feel, then you need to put your finger in the air (preferably your middle one) and say, "Screw it! I refuse to allow my happiness to depend on others. I'm happy because I love who I am. I love the way I love and the way I feel. I love my flaws, my quirks, my hair, my face and sure, even my smile. All these imperfections.. I love them too. They make me who I am. They make me, me. And let me tell you something about me... 'me' is pretty amazing."

To put quite simply...


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Inspirational Film Quotes for the Broken Hearted

How to Get Past a Break Up by Listening to Encouraging Movie Quotes - 
By Me!



After a separation or break-up, the feeling of losing the one loved is unbearable. There is a want to give up on love, but as seen in movies, there is always a light.

When one spends a great amount of time with his or her significant other, the thought of breaking up or losing that person is impossible. This sentiment is seen in movies and in real life. Some people continue to love their ex's even though they broke their heart. And others lose hope and believe that they will never find love again.

That's what movies are for. They're there to inspire and give hope to the loveless. Some provide inspirational words that can help one see that there is more to life than pain and loneliness, and that there is someone for everyone.

A few films that can provide inspirational quotes on love and hope are The Holiday, 28 Days, Indecent Proposal, Meet Joe Black and Juno. All five films embody meaningful quotes that can help anyone who is going through a rough patch in the love department.

Understanding What the Problem is in the Relationship

 

Acknowledging what the problem is, whether it's still being attracted to the lost love or not being able to let go of the past, is the first step to healing a broken heart and moving on. Some people who have dealt with a break up believe that their significant other will realize that he or she made a mistake and come back.

And sometimes they do. But the problems within the relationship will continue to arise and although the attraction might still be there, the person who inflicted pain on the other will not change. It's normal to still be in love with that person, even if she did cause heartache, and understanding that she is not good for that particular person is hard to realize. Eventually someone better will come along. The film, The Holiday sends out this message.

"Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?" - Miles

“Because you're hoping you're wrong. Every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. Every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over. You lose that argument: she's not for you.” - Iris

Learning to Let Go of the Past and the Person

 

Everything happens for a reason. The next step is learning to let go so that better things can come along. Relationships are unpredictable and even when things seem to be going right, things can go wrong. Whether it was a change of heart, or because the person needed time to think about what he wanted in life, it's still hard to deal with. But sometimes, letting the person go can cause him to leave forever or to possibly come back. Letting go might be a difficult task, but it's the right thing to do. The films 28 Days and Indecent Proposal send out this message.

28 Days 

“There's a time when you can share and you hold hands and be on the same path. But there's always a fork in the road, at some point. Sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they got to go on the other part.” – Alan Tudyk

Indecent Proposal

“If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.” – Demi Moore

The Kind of Mate to Find When One is Ready to Move On

 

After one has acknowledged the problem and learned to let go, the last step is knowing who to find to make a partner deliriously happy. It's important to know what kind of person one should be looking for, especially after a break up or separation. William Parish from Meet Joe Black and J.K. Simmons from Juno advise viewers to look for someone who will love equally as much and who will love for all the right reasons.

Meet Joe Black

"Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same. How do you find him? You forget your head, listen to your heart. There's no sense living without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, you haven't lived. You have to try." – William Parrish

Juno

“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.” – J.K. Simmons

Some things are easier said than done, but when it comes to the heart, that little pounding bag of emotions, there is always a way – a light at the end of the tunnel. Love takes time to heal, but everything happens for a reason. Being happy, finding things in life that are enticing and exciting, and believing that everything will be okay and love will find the way is the first step toward mending a broken heart. A good way to start toward believing is by watching romance movies that teach a lesson and paying a close ear to movie quotes – and knowing that there is so much out there to look forward to.





**I wrote this article back in Aug. 20, 2009 for a website that I freelanced for (http://www.suite101.com/content/inspirational-film-quotes-for-the-broken-hearted-a141203) and thought I would share it on my blog. Hope you enjoyed!**